Appreciation out loud

Think about the words that got said in your house yesterday. How many were instructions, reminders or complaints? "Have you done your homework?" "Can you not leave that there?" "Mum, where's my charger?" "Why is there no milk?"

Now think about how many were appreciation. For most families, the balance tips heavily one way, not because anyone's unkind, but because life is busy and the problems are the loud bits.

Shifting that balance, even a little, can change how a home feels.

Why it matters so much

When most of what you hear from someone is correction, it's easy to feel like you're always getting it wrong. That's true for teens, and it's true for parents too. Over time, it can make people defensive, less willing to try, and less likely to listen when something important comes up.

Appreciation works the other way. It makes people feel seen. It makes the hard conversations easier, because there's goodwill in the bank. And it's contagious. Once one person starts noticing the good stuff, others tend to follow.

Specific beats general

"Thanks" is fine. "Thanks for emptying the dishwasher without me asking. That made my evening easier" is much better. Specific appreciation shows you actually noticed, and it tells the other person exactly what landed.

Some examples:

• "I liked how you handled that phone call with Nana. You were really patient."
• "Thanks for picking me up late last night. I know you were tired."
• "That thing you said to your brother when he was upset was really kind."
• "I noticed you've been getting up with your alarm this week. That's hard."

Notice effort, not just results

A great mark, a win, a promotion are easy to celebrate. Effort is often invisible and matters more. Noticing someone trying, even when it didn't go perfectly, can mean a lot.

It goes both ways

Teens, this isn't only for parents to do. Parents almost never hear appreciation from their kids, and it can mean more than you'd expect. "Thanks for dinner, that was really good" or "Thanks for coming to my game" can make someone's week.

Parents, it's okay to tell your teen what you appreciate about them as a person, not just what they did. "I really like your sense of humour" or "I love how much you care about your friends."

Make it a habit

Some ideas that don't feel forced:

• At dinner, go round and each say one good thing from the day, or one thing you appreciated about someone.
• Leave a sticky note on a mirror, lunchbox or laptop.
• Send a quick message in the middle of the day. "Thinking of you. Hope the test went okay."
• When you notice something, say it straight away, even if it feels a bit awkward.

Keep it real

Appreciation works because it's honest. Don't manufacture it or use it to sweeten a request ("Thanks for being amazing, now can you tidy your room?"). Just notice the good things when they happen, and say so.