Different wiring: introverts, extroverts, processors and talkers

Mum wants to talk it through right now, sitting at the table. Her son needs to go away and think before he can say anything. The more she pushes, the quieter he goes. The quieter he goes, the more she pushes. They both walk away thinking the other one is being difficult.

A lot of family friction isn't about the topic at all. It's about people being wired differently.

Talkers and processors

Some people are talkers. They figure out what they think by saying it out loud. They like to talk things through right away, and silence can feel like tension or rejection.

Others are processors. They need time and quiet to work out what they think and feel. Being pushed to talk before they're ready can make them freeze, get defensive or say things they don't mean.

Neither is better. But when a talker and a processor argue, the talker feels shut out and the processor feels ambushed.

Introverts and extroverts

This is related, but a bit different. Broadly, extroverts tend to get energy from being around people and activity. Introverts tend to get energy from time alone and can feel drained by a lot of social contact, even if they enjoy it.

An introverted teen who comes home from a full day of school might need an hour alone before they can talk to anyone. An extroverted parent who's been alone all day working from home might be dying for a chat. Both needs are real. They just clash at 3:30pm.

These aren't strict boxes. Most people are a mix, and it can change depending on the day. But knowing your general tendencies helps.

Working out your wiring

Have a go at answering these, each of you, and compare:

• After a big day, do you want to talk about it or be alone for a while?
• When you're upset, do you want to talk it through straight away, or think first?
• Do you get your best ideas talking to someone, or on your own?
• After a party or family gathering, do you feel buzzing or drained?

Making it work

For talkers: Give processors time. Try raising a topic, then saying, "Have a think, and let's talk after dinner." Don't take silence as rejection. It's usually thinking.

For processors: Let talkers know you're not ignoring them. "I want to talk about this. I just need an hour to think first." Then come back. Talkers can handle waiting much better when they know it's not a brush-off.

For introverts: Tell people when you need recharge time, and when you'll be back. Build in some alone time on busy days.

For extroverts: Find other outlets for chat when someone at home is out of energy. Don't take it personally when an introvert needs space.

Meeting in the middle

Once you know how each other is wired, it gets much easier to be generous. The goal isn't to change anyone. It's to stop mistaking someone's wiring for how they feel about you.