When you're furious: what to do in the first 10 minutes

Your dad has just said the thing. Or your sister's gone through your stuff. Or your mum has taken your phone for something you didn't even do. Your face is hot, your heart's pounding, and there are about six things you want to say, all of them louder than the last.

Anger isn't bad. It's a signal that something feels unfair or wrong, and sometimes it's right. The trouble is what happens in the first few minutes, when your brain is flooded and the part that thinks things through has basically left the building.

What's happening in your body

When you get really angry, your body goes into fight mode. Heart rate up, breathing faster, muscles tight. Your brain is focused on the threat and not on consequences. That's why things get said that you'd never say calmly, and why it feels impossible to stop.

The good news is that this wave usually peaks and settles within about 20 minutes if you don't keep feeding it. The first 10 are the hardest.

Minute 0 to 1: stop talking

If you can do one thing, do this. Stop. Close your mouth. The words you say now are the ones that'll cause the most damage and the most regret.

If you need to say something, keep it short: "I'm too angry to talk right now." Then leave the room, calmly if you can. Don't slam the door. Just go.

Minutes 1 to 3: move your body

Anger is physical, so give it somewhere to go. Walk outside. Do push-ups. Shake your hands out hard. Punch a pillow if that helps. Go for a run around the block. The point is to burn off some of the energy your body's just pumped out.

Minutes 3 to 6: slow your breathing

Try breathing in for four counts, holding for a moment, and breathing out slowly for six or eight. The long out-breath tells your body the danger has passed. Do it five or six times. It feels a bit silly. It also works.

Cold helps too. Splash cold water on your face or hold something cold. It can shift your body out of fight mode faster.

Minutes 6 to 10: get it out, safely

Some people need to get the words out before they can move on. Write them down in your notes app, then don't send them. Voice-memo a rant to yourself. Text a friend "I'm so angry right now", but don't screenshot or forward anything you'll regret. Put some music on loud in your headphones.

After 10 minutes

You might still be angry, and that's fine. But you'll probably be able to think a bit more clearly. Ask yourself:

• What actually made me so angry?
• What do I need to happen now?
• Is this something I want to talk about, and when?

If it's worth raising, do it once you've calmed down. "Earlier, when you took my phone, I got really angry because I didn't think it was fair. Can we talk about it?" That's a conversation that can actually go somewhere.

If you did blow up

It happens. Everyone loses it sometimes. When you're calmer, owning it goes a long way: "Sorry I yelled. I was really angry, but I shouldn't have said that." It's not weakness. It's what makes people take you seriously the next time you're upset.