Friendship drama and group chats

Your friends made a new group chat. You're not in it. Or you are, but nobody's replying to you. Someone's posted a story at a place you weren't invited to. Two of your friends have fallen out and both expect you to take their side. It's 11pm, and you're lying in bed replaying every message from today, trying to work out what you did.

Friendship stuff can take over your whole brain. That's not being dramatic. Friends matter enormously at this age, and when something's off, it can feel like everything's off.

Why it hits so hard

At this stage of life, your brain is extra tuned to social stuff: who's in, who's out, what people think of you. That's part of normal development. It's also why being left out can feel almost physically painful, and why a single message can wreck your whole evening.

And unlike when your parents were your age, the drama doesn't stop when you get home. It's in your pocket, all night.

When you're left out

It hurts. Let yourself feel that. Then, before you react, try to get some facts. Sometimes it's a genuine snub. Sometimes it's a smaller group that formed for a random reason, like a school project, and has nothing to do with you.

If it keeps happening with the same people, it might be worth asking yourself whether this friendship is still good for you. Sometimes friendships change, and that's sad but okay. Try putting some energy into people who make you feel good, even if they're not the "main" group.

Before you send that message

When you're upset, it's tempting to fire off a message, a subtweet, or a pointed story. Some rules that'll save you a lot of regret:

• Wait before you send. Write it, then leave it for an hour. Read it again before hitting send. Often you won't.
• Assume anything you send can be screenshotted. Because it can.
• Big stuff is better in person. Tone gets lost in text. A two-minute chat can sort out what a hundred messages can't.
• Don't pile on. If someone's getting ganged up on in a chat, you don't have to join in. Leaving, or messaging them privately, can mean a lot.

When friends fall out with each other

Being stuck in the middle is exhausting. You don't have to pick a side. It's okay to say, "I care about you both. I'm not getting in the middle of it." You can support each of them without passing messages between them or agreeing that the other one is terrible.

When it goes past drama

Sometimes it's not drama, it's bullying. That might look like being repeatedly left out on purpose, mean comments, rumours, threats, someone sharing private photos or screenshots, or being ganged up on in a chat. If that's happening, it's not your fault, and you don't have to handle it alone.

Screenshot what's happening, and tell an adult you trust. A parent, a teacher, a school counsellor. If you want to talk to someone outside your life, try Youthline on 0800 376 633 or text 234, or call or text 1737.

Look after yourself

• Turn your phone to do-not-disturb at night. The chat will still be there in the morning, and you'll handle it better after sleep.
• Mute chats that are stressing you out. You don't have to read everything.
• Spend time with people offline: family, a sport, a club, the friend from primary who you still get on with.
• Talk about it. Sometimes just telling someone, a parent included, makes it feel smaller.