How to have a hard conversation

There's a conversation you both know needs to happen. Maybe it's about grades, a relationship, something that went wrong, how you've been treating each other, or a big change coming. It's been hanging in the air for days. Everyone's been careful not to bring it up.

Hard conversations don't get easier by waiting. But they do go better with a bit of preparation. This one's for both of you, parent and teen.

Before you start

Get clear on what you want. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself: what do I want to come out of this? To be understood? To fix a specific problem? To say sorry? To make a decision together? Knowing your goal stops the conversation drifting into every other thing that's bugging you.

Pick the time and place. Not when someone's about to leave, tired, hungry or in front of other people. Somewhere private, with enough time that nobody feels rushed. Side by side, like in the car or on a walk, often feels less intense than sitting face to face.

Give a heads-up. "Can we talk tonight about the weekend? Nothing terrible, I just want to sort it out." A warning helps people arrive ready instead of ambushed.

Starting

The first sentence sets the tone. Try to start with what you care about, not what the other person did wrong.

• "I want us to get on better, and I think this is getting in the way."
• "I've been worried about something and I'd like to talk about it."
• "I'm nervous about this, but I think we need to talk about what happened."

During

Take turns properly. One person talks, the other listens without interrupting. Then swap. It can help to repeat back what you heard before you respond: "So you're saying you felt ganged up on when we both talked at you. Is that right?"

Talk about yourself, not them. "I felt embarrassed" lands better than "You embarrassed me." "I get worried when I don't hear from you" is easier to hear than "You never text."

Stick to one issue. It's tempting to bring up everything that's ever annoyed you. Don't. One topic at a time.

Stay curious. Ask questions you don't know the answer to. "What was that like for you?" "What did you think I meant?"

When it gets heated

Voices rise. Someone says something sharp. That's normal. It doesn't mean the conversation's failed.

If it's getting too hot, call a pause: "I'm getting too worked up. Can we stop for twenty minutes and come back?" Then come back. See the article on taking a pause for more.

Ending

You don't have to solve everything in one go. It's fine to end with, "Let's both think about this and talk again on Sunday." Try to finish with something warm, even if it's small. "Thanks for talking about this. I know it wasn't easy." That's what makes the next hard conversation a bit less scary.

After

Follow up on anything you agreed to. If you said you'd try something different, do it. Hard conversations build trust when something changes afterwards. When nothing does, they start to feel pointless.