Supporting a teen who's anxious or low

Every teenager has bad days and bad weeks. Moods swing, sleep goes weird, they cry over something small or snap over nothing. Most of this is part of growing up.

But sometimes a teen is carrying something heavier. Worry that won't switch off. A low mood that doesn't lift. If you're wondering whether that's what's happening at your place, you're already paying the right kind of attention.

What it can look like

Anxiety and low mood don't always look the way adults expect. Some signs to watch for:

• Avoiding school, friends or activities they used to enjoy.
• Stomach aches, headaches or feeling sick with no clear cause, especially before school.
• Big changes in sleep, either much more or much less.
• Changes in appetite or eating.
• Irritability and anger, sometimes more than sadness.
• Pulling away from everyone, not just family.
• Talking about themselves in a harsh way: "I'm useless", "What's the point?"

One or two of these for a short time isn't unusual. It's the pattern and the duration that matter.

How to start the conversation

Choose a calm moment, ideally side by side. In the car, on a walk, while cooking. Keep it simple and specific.

"I've noticed you haven't wanted to go to footy lately, and you've been in your room a lot. I'm not upset. I just wondered how you're going, really."

Then listen. Don't rush to reassure ("You'll be fine") or fix ("Have you tried going to bed earlier?"). Let them tell you what it's like. If they don't want to talk yet, say you'll check in again, and do.

What helps at home

• Keep routines steady. Regular meals, sleep and some movement help more than people expect.
• Don't let avoidance grow. With anxiety, avoiding things brings relief in the short term and makes the fear bigger over time. Support small, manageable steps rather than removing every hard thing.
• Take their feelings seriously, even if the trigger seems small. "I can see this is really scary for you" goes further than "It's only a presentation."
• Look after the relationship. Time together that isn't about the problem matters. Watch a show, get a pie, drive nowhere in particular.
• Look after yourself. Supporting someone who's struggling is draining. Talk to a friend, your GP, or a parenting line.

When to get help

It's time to involve a professional if:

• Changes in sleep, appetite or withdrawal have lasted more than a couple of weeks.
• It's getting in the way of school, friendships or daily life.
• They seem hopeless, or you're simply worried and your gut says this is more than a phase.
• There is any talk of self-harm or suicide, or any sign of it. Take this seriously every time, and get help straight away.

Good places to start are your GP and the school counsellor or guidance team. A GP can talk things through, check for anything physical, and help connect you to other support.

NZ support lines

• 1737, free call or text any time, to talk with a trained counsellor. Your teen can use it too.
• Youthline 0800 376 633, for young people and the adults supporting them.
• Parent Help 0800 568 856, for parents who want advice or someone to talk to.

If anyone is in immediate danger, call 111.

You don't have to fix it

You can't make anxiety or low mood go away by trying hard enough. What you can do is stay close, keep the door open, notice changes, and help them get the right support. That is a lot. It's also enough to make a real difference.