Telling your parent something hard

There's something you need to tell your mum or dad. Maybe you've failed something, broken something, done something you regret, or something's happened to you. Maybe it's about who you are, or how you've been feeling. You've rehearsed it in the shower twenty times, and every time you get close, your throat closes up.

That's really normal. Hard conversations are hard for everyone, including adults. Here's how to make it a bit easier.

Why it feels so scary

Usually it's one of a few fears. That they'll be angry. That they'll be disappointed. That they'll freak out and make it a bigger deal. That they'll treat you differently afterwards. Or that once it's said, you can't take it back.

Those fears are real. But keeping a big thing to yourself often gets heavier over time, and it can make the eventual conversation harder. Most people feel lighter afterwards, even when the conversation itself is tough.

Write it down first

Before you say anything, try writing it out. Not to show anyone, just to get it clear in your own head. What happened? How do you feel about it? What do you need from them: help, understanding, just for them to know?

Some people find it easier to hand over a note or send a message rather than say it face to face. That's completely fine. A message like "There's something I need to talk to you about. It's hard for me to say. Can we talk tonight?" can be a good way in.

How to start

The first sentence is the hardest. A few that can help:

• "I need to tell you something, and I'm nervous about how you'll react."
• "Can you just listen for a minute before you say anything?"
• "This is hard for me to say, so I'm just going to say it."
• "I've messed something up and I need your help."

Telling them what you need, like "Please don't get angry straight away" or "I just need you to listen", gives them a chance to respond well.

Pick your moment

A calm time, somewhere private, when nobody's rushing. Car rides and walks are good because you don't have to look at each other. Late at night can work too, if they're not exhausted.

If they react badly at first

Some parents react with shock, worry or anger first, and then come round. Their first reaction isn't always their final one. If it goes badly, you can say, "I can see you're upset. Can we talk again tomorrow?" Give them a bit of time. Often they'll come back calmer.

If it's not safe to tell them

Sometimes home isn't a safe place for a certain conversation. Maybe you're worried about being hurt, kicked out, or treated really badly. Or maybe the hard thing is actually about someone at home.

If that's you, you still deserve support. Talk to another trusted adult: a teacher, a school counsellor, a coach, an aunty or uncle, a friend's parent, your GP. You can also reach out any time to:

• 1737, free call or text, any time.
• Youthline 0800 376 633, or text 234.
• What's Up 0800 942 8787, for anyone under 19.

If you're ever in danger, call 111.

You don't have to carry it alone

Whatever it is, telling someone is almost always the right move, especially if it's about your safety or someone else's. It doesn't have to be perfect. You don't need the right words. You just need to start.